She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
