okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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