you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
