Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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