A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
