I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
