My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
