No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
