so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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