He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
