I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
