Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I need a burrito and a hug.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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