I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
