Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
