If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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