do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
