I cockslap morals
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
