already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
