This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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