Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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