The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
