Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
