i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
