if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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