In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
