she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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