you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
