So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
