Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
