everyone is single if you try hard enough
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
