Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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