Please, let me fuck your mom
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
