the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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