on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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