and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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