No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Randomize
