Cold hands, warm shart.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
