who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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