Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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