I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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