Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
