i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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