Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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