we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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