dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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