put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
