I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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