sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
