you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
