Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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