i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
