If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
